I am grateful for those memories but they also make me sad because I have been changed. I approach Easter Sunday as I do many Sundays with sadness for what was loss, what was taken from me from a man who pretended to be a shepherd who was nothing more than a wolf in sheep’s clothing. As with most victims from the moment the abuse began my disconnect from my faith, the contamination of the church, my confusion about God and everything I had been taught began to change. I would never be the same
But through my healing, my transformation to see God in a different way began. It took time, but my faith is stronger. Yes, I miss the connections that church brings. I miss the traditions and I miss that complete trust I once had. When I sit in church I hate the trigger factors that remind me of those dark days. What I have lost, what was taken from me, I cannot change but I can choose to embrace God and my faith in a different way. A re-awakening of my spiritual life. My abuser tainted my church life but I would not allow him to taint my relationship with God. I have learned to accept that God is big enough to understand my doubts and anger. How I choose to worship him is not dependent upon the 4 walls within the church. God gets it. And for those victims who have completely turned away from God because of what was done to them “in the name of God”, is completely understandable and a normal reaction to such trauma.
Easter represents hope and renewal. My hope for each one of you is to find peace, wherever you find yourself at this time in your life. If you have lost hope I will hope for you, as Diane Langberg PhD psychologist for trauma survivors and clergy tweeted,
Diane Langberg, PhD
@DianeLangberg
“Suffering people often need others to have faith and hope for them. Admonitions to hope or trust only often result in despair; if the sufferers were able, they would do so. It is often helpful to say, “I know you struggle to hope right now. I will hope for you.”