We often hear the words manipulation, grooming, false trust and control, techniques used by the abusive clergy on his victims. However, these same techniques are used on the congregation as well. In order to continue his abusive behavior and disguise who he really is he must gain the trust of those around him and manipulate them as well.
An excerpt from my book. Chapter 10 page 99
“I wasn’t the only victim of Jeff ’s predatory ways. The congregation suffered as well. It divided the church. The pain and hurt caused by his actions took years to heal. Good, honest people trusted this man and believed in him and they too were forced to reconcile the man they thought they knew with the knowledge he had sinned and “fallen.” The majority, if not all, saw it as an affair, not sexual abuse, sexual misconduct, or a violation of his position. As expressed to me, “I can understand how it could happen. You are pretty, with this outgoing personality, and he is this dynamic pastor and the opportunity presented itself and the two of you fell in love.”
Many were willing to forgive him, especially if his wife could do so. He confessed his sin before the congregation and the Bible teaches forgiveness; he who is without sin, cast the first stone, we have all sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. In spite of this egregious sin, they still loved him. He was the pastor who held their hand at their mother’s bedside when she was dying. He was there when their son overdosed. He performed their wedding ceremonies, counseled them when those same marriages were falling apart, he baptized their children and lifted them up spiritually every Sunday morning. They did not want to lose him. Being the master manipulator, he was a wolf easily disguised in sheep’s clothing.
In the minds of the congregation, this one error in judgment should not negate all the good he had done. Walnut Branch Church was growing and vibrant and it was because of what Jeff had done. He had created an atmosphere in the church no one wanted to lose. Now they would lose this dynamic leader which meant the church would lose members and income. Whether it was my age at 16 when he first kissed me, his history of abusing a teen in Tifton, or the nature of his abuse, the church did not have all the facts. Their response was based on erroneous information. Later I would come to understand that more often than not, churches will support and defend the offending pastor. They are too embarrassed to publicly acknowledge sexual sin for fear of harming the church.
It is often said, the cover-up is worse than the crime. Certainly more harm is done by the cover up, not only to the church and the victim, but also to the pastor and his family. Parishioners don’t want to believe their pastor is capable of such sinful behavior. I wish that I could say church response has dramatically changed since those horrible days in the 1970’s. Sadly, in my experience and the experience of many others, it has not.
“Perpetrators of abuse do not just groom a victim. They groom the entire family and church community. They make sure they are well trusted, well liked, charming, appreciated, indispensable. And as a result, anyone who accuses or alleges any kind of inappropriate behavior is the person who looks like they’re the crazy one, because everybody loves the perpetrator.” Sarah McDugal